Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
