theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
