I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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