Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
