I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
