I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
