i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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