why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
