Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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