Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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