when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
