I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
