Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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