Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
