hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
