i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
