his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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