lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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