bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
