she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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