I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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