I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
