I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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