I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
