they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you will always have a special place in my vag
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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