In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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