maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
