i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
