She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
