Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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