WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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