i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
