I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
