you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
