I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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