I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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