Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
