I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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