I just saw a hot homeless man
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
