true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
