Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
