we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
