i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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