where am i from again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
