I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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