I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
