im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
