i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
