Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
