Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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