Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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