i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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