His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
