i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
