I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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