Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
