You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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