I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
